I’m not good at goodbyes. Period. That’s it.
It took me 20 something years to realize it…or maybe not. I think I’ve always kinda suspected it.
For someone who has always seen herself as a globetrotter and a free spirit, it’s kind of shocking. I’ve always been like: “I want to own an apartment in New York and travel around the world most of the year, and then go back home when i feel like resting”, since I was a teenager. A slap in the face, I admit it.
I started out moving to seven different homes during six consecutive years, when I was in my early 30’s.
Then a couple of years ago, the BIG move: from Italy to San Francisco (not quite hit the target but I’ve been satisfied with my choice, so far).
The truth? It’s been almost devastating, on one side.
It’s cracked open everything I thought I knew about myself and myself in the world, to gift me a fair, new, shinier – but toughly conquered – view of my possibilities.
Cathartic, boring, fun and painful, all at the same time.
So now, after almost two years of learning and growing and falling in love with this challenging, culturally rich and colorful city, I’m moving out.
Not that far away, but OMG, I am.
I stare at those empty boxes in my living room and feel like I want to chain myself to the door, so no one can take me away from here.
I mean…the noisy trains at every hour? The crazy stuff I see around all the time? The beauty that fills my eyes even when it’s sunny (since it’s mostly cloudy…)??
I know, I know, I can’t. I’ve committed to this move.
Still, I sometimes feel like a little kid ready to throw a tantrum. Which probably would not work, anyway.
Can’t help but thinking that when it’s time to change, we frequently feel like hanging out a little bit more…and then some more…then maybe even just a little longer.
If the Universe wanted to teach me about resistance, it surely made it.
Resistance to growth shows up many times by finding reasons why what we have it’s good enough, even when we don’t actually like it.
Or by letting us see only difficulties and struggles waiting for us ahead.
Alright, I take it. I’ll do my best to flow with it.About
I might get sentimental, because frequently even when I say out loud how much I dislike something, my true self counts all the blessings I’ve received so far.
Such the contradictions of being a spirit in a human body.
And, I’m not good at goodbyes. It’s my very tender heart, you know.
Just in case we happen to cross path.